The Dark Path

The dark path I ran away from, years ago, has apparently been following me; like a black snake. A black two-headed vermin with no eyes and with no more occupation than stalking me.

It is now weaving at me, with its long meager hand, a palm that wants to cover me completely, remove me from sight as if I was dust on a screen.

I go out and notice that the blinking eyes of strangers reminded me of handclaps. Everyone hard sounding, like little bricks crashing into each other. All of them watching the world crumble while making deafening sounds. They believe the dark path is also away from them? Maybe they have never seen it. Are their lives so simple.? So bored and predictable than their mere existence found satisfaction in forgetting, episode after episode, that they are dying? -Am I living? -they asked every minute. No, you are not living, you are dying but you don't realize it yet.

While I am getting submerged in my grievance, I can picture myself in front of a bush made of small white flowers whose brightness has been dimmed by the dust. It is summer, 6:00 PM, somewhere close to the Pacific. The light is barely seen, there is only a hard red shine over the city. The concrete walls look ominous, while I am giving small jumps trying to smash the autumn leaves on the sidewalk.

The cats, the dogs, and the birds have left the city. There are no more animals to pet, to admire.

I can see many sick women in the street. They are licking their arms and hands, tasting the flavor over their bodies. There is one however who doesn't do it. This woman knows the truth, but at the same time rejects it. She is doubtful, but she still prays for revelation.

Eduardo Guillen.

The corrupt, the purity, and the way we are

Can a man who promised himself to work for the people end up corrupt? I have been thinking about this problem for several days now. I came to the conclusion that there is not a sudden change of heart but a shift that occurs by taking small steps, baby steps.

In ancient Greece, men constantly wondered about the purpose of life. Many believed that life's 'Logos' (purpose) was to please oneself incessantly. However, with each new episode of pleasure, the climax diminished in comparison with the first time, so they started exploring more devious ways to satiate their increasingly dangerous and pernicious hunger.

They knew a taste, a touch of the forbidden, could make you fall into a whirlwind of desire. Later, that satiated impulse sowed the seed of corruption in their hearts. -Why not? I am not the first; I won't be the last.- Suddenly, being one more in a crowd is no longer a depressing thought.

A single rewarded evil act can drill deep into anyone's marrow, whether be a teacher, politician, warrior, intellectual, or philosopher. Pride will do the rest. In time, the acts multiply, and the instant rewards continue, turning the purest souls into the darkest vessels of greed. 

In time, a person's soul is altered, atrophied, and defaced. Still, society will be the biggest victim. What is worse, the corruption of those known as the purest and most beautiful will turn into the kind of denigration that sickens society's future and its collective mind.

After witnessing case after case, you wonder, are purity and the desire to be pure wrong? Why do people nowadays see it as a stupid dream? Why do we ask ourselves so little regarding honesty and purity?

I don't want to belong to a society that drills into the minds of young people ideas of moral and ethical imperfection as the natural state of men's minds because, by default, humans are always looking for more, whatever they choose to go for: good, bad, or lame. If a man decides to turn evil, eventually, this will grow, and it will have one of two outcomes:

1) A corrupt individual who lives in anxiety, constantly avoiding being caught, and, for that reason, stops for a while only to return greedier later.

Or 

2) The corrupt dies.

Make no mistake, the corrupt will make his case to justify his deeds. At this moment, you know he has normalized his behavior because evil has taken away his senses: his eyes, ears, and tongue. He is no longer sharing our view of the world. The corrupted person is completely transformed, cannot change, and cannot be trusted again.

Sadly, I keep seeing this pattern happening to more people incessantly, year after year, which is taking a toll on me.

Falling or Failling?

People believe the enchantment is unconscious, No. It's conscious; it gets you through your five senses, being aware or unaware of it. You can feel something beginning to burn inside.

I ask myself, is this what I want? Maybe it is. Part of me wants this to happen. It reminds me of this book called: 'This unbearable lightness of being,' from Milan Kundera.

The book expresses, briefly speaking, you only have one life. And you sometimes fall into doing things you don't want to do but that you are called to do from deep inside of you at the same time. This doubt is inherited by every human being. (Christianity has a better and easier way to describe this. It calls it: 'Temptation').

There is fear, anxiety, small pinches of panic. That fire is burning, but burning what? Something must be ignited to be burn. I know, maybe dreams, expectations, ideas, hope.

I was thinking about how to describe my feelings now. It gets clearer with time. I am saying this is getting clearer. The message is that I must make decisions. I cannot keep running out of them. I have to close some paths to open others.

So, I need to hurt others to keep my sanity? I need to be honest; if that means to hurt, then it must be like that. There is no motive to keep evading the truth. Freedom is unavoidable. It is called being honest. I must speak with the truth.

This also means I will have to pay the price. I can't deny this either.

Another stone in my way

These past days have been hard to come up with. I have felt the stress before, but this time there are complex considerations in play. Living far from home carries a feeling of displacement. This comes to me from time to time.

I am not weak, but doubts assault my mind every day. Still, nothing clarifies my sight there is only a foggy road ahead. Sometimes, I discover myself numb, in automatic mode, performing daily tasks I already lost any interest in doing.

Regardless of that, there is light at the end of a tunnel. There is hope, I can find my way in the middle of so much confusion. I need to take radical desitions now. Be braver. There is so much to do, so little time, so little energy left.

The conclusion is simple. If you want something you have to fight for it. I mean, literarily fight for it. There must be a hidden meaning into all of this. Maybe here lies a mistery, a divine purpose disguised as mundane perspective. The only thing clear is that you must go foward. There is no other way, you must go further.

Humans are dangerous creatures, there are never satisfied.